How do I get over shame of my promiscuous behavior in the last several years? I feel like if any guy knew how many people I had slept with, they’d stop dating me. –Super Shy in DC
Dear Super Shy,
No one that matters actually cares about that shit.The end.
But seriously.Girl.If a man’s interest wanes solely because he feels you have slept with “too many people,” that man is NOT for you. You are not responsible for tucking any man’s (or woman’s) misogyny into bed at night.
Think about the first time someone communicated to you that your worth was stored between your thighs. Think about how much the world loves to police women’s sexuality. Now remind yourself that not ONE of these judgment mongers is paying ANY of your bills. (And if they are, shit, you can pay your own damn bills! #girlpower)
Let me break it down for you.Here is a list (non-exhaustive) of things that DO NOT affect your worth:
1.Your sexual history and/or experience
2.Your sexual orientation
3.Your number of sex partners
4.How you use sex ( be it for pleasure, for procreation, to build intimacy, or to kill time!)
What does determine your worth? The fact that you are a living, feeling creature. Period. Your potential to rock a man’s (or anyone’s) world is sooo much deeper than your sexual history. And your value is in no way tied to your chastity.You were born worthy. And no one can strip you of your right to #livedeliciously without your consent. So stop consenting to that mess! I mean, it’s important for a potential partner to know how many times you have been tested for (or diagnosed with) a sexually transmitted infection. And it may even be important to know how many other people you are dating at once. But to ask for a rundown of your past lovers? Sounds unnecessary. And insecure.
Your partnerships should be built around trust, respect, attraction, and compatibility, not around a checklist of archaic standards. I get it. When a woman decides to own and explore her sexuality with multiple partners, she runs the risk of being labeled dirty, slutty, or a”thot” (acronym for “That Ho Over There”). And that shit is exhausting. But the key to #livingdeliciously is deciding that other people’s approval is not needed or requested. I won’t speak for men, because I’m not one. But I’ll stand for you and say that there is no prize for self-abuse! You’re telling yourself a story and then building your life around it.Stop judging yourself for something that you can’t change. And stop re-playing the shame tapes of how un-wifeable you are once you hit a certain number of sex partners. No one has to know how many people you have had sex with. And if they do know, your validation does not rest in their opinion of you.
Leave your past in the past and your self-judgment at the door. Accept your sexual history, enjoy your sexual present, and empower yourself for your sexual future. You are fabulous. And sexy. And worthy of all the love you want for yourself. All that other shit is for the birds. Go get yours and stop waiting for permission!